Failing at Everything

    I feel like I have been failing at life. Failing myself and failing God.   

When I was younger,  I dreamed of something different for myself. I had a mental roadmap all laid out, with my dreams and wishes for my life.  There were so many things I wanted that has not happened, and things I never wanted for myself surround me. 

I drown in the want for what it seems I can not have.  

"Sorrow may hide behind laughter, and happiness may end in sorrow. (Proverbs 14:13 - Contemporary English Version) 

    The older I got, the more further I drifted away from my plan, I lost control over things around me. In losing this control I felt more and more not myself. Slowly I had become someone else, and each day I just went through the motions of what I thought life was and what I assumed those around me needed.  I started to be jealous of what others had in their life as they had what I wanted to have. I grew sad, even suicidal at points; though it's hard to admit that to myself and others. 

Loneliness filled my every waking and dreaming moment. To me it seemed no one cared, no one was in my corner. No one understood and I got tired of explaining myself to others and I grieved the life I wanted to have. 

"The wisdom of the prudent is to understand his way. But the folly of fools is deceit." (Proverbs 14:8 - New King James Version) 

    It was not enough to feel like I failed myself, but failing God was a burden I was not ready to face. Is anyone ever ready to handle such a burden or to admit they feel this way? Admitting it was hard enough, now what. 

    I know throughout my life I have always questioned why I was here, what purpose did I have to fulfill. Was it just to survive each day in pain, Was this chronic pain condition my purpose?

"The Simple believes every word., But the prudent considers well his steps." (Proverbs 14:15 - Contemporary English Version) 

It was then I realized that I never once considered God in any of my plans, not one single thought.  I was so driven by what I wanted that I never considered asking what God wanted and what we could do together.  Was I this blind my whole life trying to achieve something on my own and never once asked God for help or guidance. 

"The heart of a man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." (Proverbs 16:9 - English Standard Version)

So today I took a step towards God's plan. I asked for him to lead me as I now am ready to follow and from here who knows what my plan is or will be. The one thing I do know is that I am not alone and neither is anyone else out there. It only took me 39 years to realize this and with all the life lessons along the way, I am not sure I would change the road that got me here.